Infertility, A Second Time Around
This photo was taken in November 2018, on the night we completed our last progesterone in oil (PIO) injection following our successful frozen embryo transfer. This was the final of 148 injections over 3.5 months that led to creating, implanting and sustaining my viable pregnancy, and we were so thrilled to celebrate. I was officially 10 weeks pregnant, and we were transitioning from our reproductive endocrinologist to the maternal and fetal medicine team that would monitor my pregnancy and deliver my daughter. That night, our minds were focused on all we’d gone through, all we’d challenged ourselves to endure, and the tiny baby growing inside of me. We daydreamed about pregnancy and delivery, delirious days and sleepless nights as new parents, and what our daughter would be like as she grew.
That night, we did not think about any other seasons of infertility. We did not think about the future growth of our family. We stood still and smiled, feeling eternally grateful for the baby right there inside of me.
Six months later, Brooklyn May was born. A miracle of all sorts, the highlight of our lives. The 4th trimester and months postpartum taught us so much - about ourselves, about our daughter, about parenthood, decisions and responsibilities and a new type of love.
Shortly after becoming mom and dad, my husband and I looked at each other knowing that we wanted to do it again. That we waned to try to have more children, close in age to Brooklyn. When we resumed being intimate after our daughter was born, we did not use protection. In fact, we honestly hoped for a BOGO (buy one get one free) baby - a term used in the fertility world to capture natural pregnancy after struggling with infertility.
Sex was fun again, after years of infertility, and then pregnancy and delivery and recovery. It was spontaneous and without pressure, and I loved that. But I still kept hoping that the timing would be right with my cycle and our intimacy and that I’d get pregnant without technology. When I was 6 months postpartum, we returned to our reproductive endocrinologists (RE) office to discuss with her what the steps would look like to schedule a frozen embryo transfer (FET) with one of the embryo’s we were lucky enough to have frozen during our first cycle. I was shocked to learn that their office will not allow patients to schedule FET’s until they were at least 12 months postpartum. I understood the logic and the science, but I was sincerely disappointed. I had this vision in my head, that my kids would be 12-16 months apart in age, and was told that essentially that wasn’t possible.
My husband and I began to get serious about trying for a natural pregnancy. Tracking ovulation & scheduling sex flooded back to us, and although it wasn’t intentional, the pressure around it built for us both. We had scheduled an embryo transfer for May 2020, just after our daughter turned 1, but we had hoped we could cancel it with an announcement of natural conception. Although I’d do IVF again and again if it means/meant that I could grow my family, but anyone who’s done it once knows it can be exhausting, expensive, painful and emotional. I was so optimistic that I could avoid it. That my body carried a healthy baby, and delivered and fed that baby, and now it should just know how to do it again.
In March, two months before my scheduled transfer, I was set to make the pre-testing appointments with our RE’s office, and then COVID-19 provisions began taking over our daily lives. I was unable to complete the pre-testing, and my May transfer was suspended indefinitely. I was crushed. We were approaching my daughters first birthday, and my little growing girl was an ever present reminder that time moves quickly. The truth was, I wasn’t going to be able to have kids as close in age as I had waned, and that was a lot of frustration to process.
Today, we are approaching the end of June 2020, and I’ve effectively been trying to conceive (TTC) since October 2019. The disappointment when my period arrives, and the negative pregnancy tests I’ve taken when my period has been late due to pandemic related stress have thrown me emotionally back to the early days of infertility I soldiered through. The only difference is my ever expanding gratitude for my daughter, our IVF success story, and what a miracle she is.
Currently, we’re working to reschedule our testing and hoping to be able to do a FET this fall, but just like everything else in the world today, it’s one day at a time in relation to COVID-19 and everything surrounding it.
If anything in my story resonated with you, please, comment below or send me a message. I’d love to chat, to hear about your journey, and see if I can support you as both an infertility doula and someone walking through infertility for a second time.
AND, if you want to hear my thoughts on sex for pleasure versus sex for trying to conceive, and sex after infertility, sign up for the eCourse Back in the Sack!!
Warmly,
Amanda
